Cauliflower Pizza… It’s not fucking pizza!

Cauliflower Pizza… It’s not fucking pizza!

Before you get your panties in a twist, take a breath and calm down because this is not my attempt to slip some vegetarian “health food” propaganda past the goalie. My liberal use of cauliflower as of late, is mostly coincidence. Coincidence only by its inclusion in the first two consecutive recipes shared. After all, isn’t it a bit of an oxymoron to include carb cutting recipes in a blog that has historically been a staunch supporter of the “you can’t get enough of a good thing” and “AYCE” mantras!? Well, times have changed and so have we.

A year ago we bought a juicer that cost nearly as much as many of the cars for sale along Florida Avenue in Tampa. On our 2nd wedding anniversary, we splurged and bought a blender that packs more horsepower than a lot of push mowers. This week I finally broke down and bought a food processor. I’ve gotten along fine without one all these years despite a dear friend’s multiple failed attempts to gift one (You know who you are and I love you with or without your awesome gifts).

Cuisinart’s smart stick has proven itself to be a bit duller than the sharpest tool in the shed and the Pampered Chef’s nifty hand powered food processor is perfect if you’re preparing meals for a family of ants! I have a hard time passing up a bargain which is why I spend entirely too much time in the open box isle at Home Depot and lose countless hours of sleep sifting through the pictures on Craig’s infamous List. Let’s face it, if it wasn’t for Marshall’s, HomeGoods, Tuesday Morning, local markets, yard sales and my new favorite home supply store called, “The Warehouse,” Michelle and I would still be living in an empty house.

For those of you who need a crash course on the male weakness commonly referred to as “the impulse buy,” here we go:  My destination is TJ Maxx and my task is to return a set of throw pillows that do not match and look for a new set of sheets. Along the way is “The Warehouse” and I haven’t been in months so naturally, I stop even though I have no business being there. After nearly convincing myself that I MUST have this 199k btu propane powered Tankless water heater, I move on in search of other treasures. And there it is: in the midst of shower heads and GFI electric sockets is a shiny new Cuisinart food processor. It’s big, it’s powerful and when I turned it on, it purred at a decibel barely audible. I know this model. It sells for ~$200 but not at The Warehouse. It’s listed for $90 and it has a small scratch so I figure, what the hell, let’s see if they’ll budge. The salesman says the prices are already half off and everything is sold as-is. I suggested that it might be missing some blades and the scratch is worth another look. It’s not missing anything but yes, I’ll accept your offer of $85, thank you very much!!

Sorry for the extended sidebar – back to cauliflower pizza. Let me tie the pieces together quickly. Michelle takes medication that causes her blood sugar to spike. Hyperglycemia can be managed with insulin, diet & exercise so we’re making culinary choices to minimize the amount of insulin needed. Cauliflower happens to be a low carb, low sugar medium that lends itself well to the incorporation of additional flavor which brings me to: what is “a good thing?”

Andrew Zimmern, host of the Travel Channel’s Bizarre Foods, has been telling us for years, “If it looks good, eat it!” I couldn’t agree more – after all, they say that presentation is half the battle. I have posted pictures of meals on social media for years but what really does that accomplish? Sure it looks good but how does it taste?

What if something looks good and tastes good but the compromises required to influence the nutritional value have transformed the food so dramatically that it simply cannot be defined by the original label?

Cauliflower Pizza… It’s not fucking pizza. It looks like pizza and it tastes good but it’s not fucking pizza. The great thing about pizza is its ability to travel. Empires have been built around its ability to travel. How many times have I grabbed a slice while walking down the street or taken a pie home after leaving the bar? I’ve woken up next to an empty box and on one special occasion I even hid some leftovers in my nightstand. Cauliflower pizza is not capable of any of these feats. Not only will this recipe not travel, it will not stay together in your hand, on your walk home from the bar and most certainly not in your bed. From now on we’re going to call this, cauliflower parmesan casserole!


Pseudo Dough:

  • 1 head of cauliflower broken into florets
  • 8oz Italian Blended Shredded Cheese
  • 1 Tbsp basil
  • 1 tsp oregano
  • 1 tsp thyme
  • 1 egg
  • 3 cloves of garlic
  • 1 Tbsp olive oil – Can substitute with non-stick spray which I tend to use but was out at the time.


  • Your favorite jar of Prego – I used chunky low sodium variety


  • Beefsteak tomato sliced 1/8” thick – bad idea, you should use Roma tomatoes but these are what I had in the refrigerator.
  • 4 cloves of garlic – pressed/minced
  • Fresh whole basil leaves
  • Fresh Mozzarella Log sliced ¼” thick – you don’t have to use fresh mozzarella but the texture is great and it looks cool.


Start by preheating the oven to 400 degrees. Lay a sheet of wax paper over a baking sheet or pizza pan. Pulse the cauliflower and the garlic in the blender until it looks like white cornmeal. Pour it over the wax paper, flatten and bake for 25 minutes. Open a bottle of your cheap red wine and pour yourself a glass because this is where things get boring. The Oak Leaf from Walmart neighborhood market fits the bill. You wouldn’t want to get caught serving it at a dinner party but in the privacy of your own kitchen, it may be the best $3 I’ve ever spent. I like to church mine up with with a massive glass – remember what we talked about presentation? ha-ha!

Back to the recipe – In a mixing bowl, combine the egg, spices and cheese. After the cauliflower has cooled add it to the mixing bowl and combine evenly. Coat the pan evenly with the olive oil and press the cauliflower mixture into the pan. Push it outward making a thick edge for the crust. Bake for 30 minutes at 400 degrees (until firm and golden brown).

Spread the sauce over the crust and arrange the toppings.

Bake for an additional 15 minutes at 400 degrees. Cool for 10 minutes, cut and serve using a sharp spatula or pie server.

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